Is it a curse or a creative blessing?

Well, I believe that it's a curse when not treated. Not necessarily by medication. But with an outlet.  Like I've said before your life can be out of control and you're imprisoned in your own mind. But in the present there's medicine to help us cope. Back in the day or the past people who had bipolar coped a little differently. They where more creative. Some of the most famous people were bipolar. Just a few examples: Winston Churchhill, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Edgar Allen Poe and there are so many celebrities that are bipolar as well.  

It's sad to see that our society has turned this disorder into a curse rather than a creative blessing. So many great things have been accomplished from someone with this disorder. So you are not alone. If someone tries to put you down by calling you bipolar even if you really aren't you should take it as a compliment. Because you could just be the next genius or superstar.  

Understanding

Now that I have given you a little insight into my background. It might help you understand a little more about myself and this destructive disorder. I really started this blog for my friends to help them understand why I do and have done the things I have and who I truly am. I have also started it so that people that are like me can relate. It's so much easier to talk to someone who understands and knows exactly what you are going through.

Before I was diagnosed, I was angry all the time. I always acted and thought irrationally. I probably had the first signs and onset at about 18. But leaving it untreated and not recognizing that there was a problem for 6 years it really started to build and tear my life apart. I felt like a prisoner in my own head. I always felt like I had to hold the real me back from the world. Even from the one person that was supposed to know me better than anyone, my ex-husband. It was agony everyday. It was a constant struggle to stay or pretend to be happy when I wasn't.

For most normal people, they don't truly understand this disorder. They say things like "learn to control your emotions". Well, for us that's so much easier said then done. The irrational part of our brain takes over and that becomes our reality and we act upon what we perceive as that reality. It's a nightmare.

I knew I didn't want to continue to live this way. I knew if I continued to live this way I'd hurt the one person that means the most to me and damage his future. My son. So I did everything I could to get the correct treatment.

After getting the proper medication and figuring out what dose worked for me. I started to see things in a whole new light. Don't get me wrong things and habits where not changed over night. Some were harder to break than others but the medication helped me think rationally and I was happy. Truly happy.

I am not saying that medication has solved all of my problems and mood swings by any means. For me I was prescribed Lithium. And it has worked very well. But everyone is different. The only thing that sucks about the medicine is that it takes a while to kick in because it's literally changing the chemicals in your brain. But it allows gives you sense of peace and full control over your life again.

My Brief Story

As a child I had what I would say a fairly normal childhood. My mom was divorced when I was five. My father gave up his rights to brother and I. Then my mom remarried and my step father became our Dad. We never heard from our father again. Then two years later my sister came into that picture when I was 7 and from that point on we were your typical family. Don't get me wrong life wasn't always easy for us growing up and my parents did the best they could to provide us with the best they could. But they did ensure that there was no step this or that. Just family.

Then when I was 17 I had experienced grief and lost for the first time in my life. I lost my grandmother. She was a mentor, a role model for how I wanted to be and someone I adored. That was a tragedy for me. Then 6 months later when I turned 18 my brother and Dad were in a horrific accident. Leaving my brother paralyzed and my Dad with a broken hip and crushed left ankle. Of course they have recovered the best they could but during that emotional time, I really started to get into drugs, partying, being promiscuous, and burning bridges I didn't really need to be burning. But looking back now I see that, that's where my bipolar started to set in. But I ignored it and ignored the people that saw how I was acting. I continued to live my life the way it was. Then one day I woke up and decided that wasn't the way I wanted to live anymore. 

So I joined the Marines. It got me away from the drugs and the people that were feeding my highs and lows. For a little bit it leveled me out. So that thought of me being bipolar went away. 

Then I got married. It was an impulse marriage. Another symptom of bipolar. I noticed that I didn't really love this person I just wanted to feel wanted and had always had the dream of being married. After being married for a year it was nothing less of destructive on both sides. But I can't possible imagine what I was putting him through. But he didn't make it that much easier for me either. 

Then I got pregnant. Things for the both of us continued to go down hill. We did the counseling to try to help us with our problems but it just seemed hopeless. Then I had our beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately we couldn't work out our problems because we really didn't know what was causing them.

After serving out my contract and coming home at 26 I was properly diagnosed with bipolar. At first I was embarrassed to tell anyone. Because that meant all those people before were right and lets face it society isn't to open and friendly about the disorder. 

Now that I look back and look at my life now (after the bipolar medicine) maybe it would've worked out. But who's to really say. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. God gives us challenges to help others. I hope to help anyone in the same situation or close to mine as much as I can.         

Think you may be bipolar?

Have you ever been told your crazy or get the feeling that somethings not right with you? Has anyone ever told you that they think you may be bipolar?

Well, I've had a lot people in and out of my life. The ones I wanted to keep close, the ones I loved the most. I pushed away. I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. I started to see myself going down a dark and destructive path. I did not want to admit that there was something wrong with me. I just thought everyone else was crazy and if I was bipolar it'd be confirmed I was crazy.

It wasn't until after I had pushed so many people away that I loved and had created so much devastation for myself that I had sought out help. I was fortunate enough to have serve in the United States Marines Corps making it easier than most to get treatment. I thought for sure they'd be able to help me because they have seen this type of thing a lot. After explaining to them how I was feeling and that I had a strong feeling that I was bipolar they didn't listen. They thought that I was just depressed and gave me medication for that. Well, I took the medicine they prescribed but it didn't help much. It actually made me jittery.

So not knowing any better I continued to take the medicine. It wasn't until I noticed that my symptoms were the same. I still had my highs and lows. But my lows were manageable. It wasn't until I lost someone that I deeply and truly cared about that I searched for a second opinion. I finally found a doctor who agreed with me and prescribed me the right medication and explained to me why the depression medicine was making me feel jittery. She explained that was one of the signs of people with bipolar being diagnosed wrongfully.

This is why I want to share my story of living with the infamous bipolar disorder.