Understanding

Now that I have given you a little insight into my background. It might help you understand a little more about myself and this destructive disorder. I really started this blog for my friends to help them understand why I do and have done the things I have and who I truly am. I have also started it so that people that are like me can relate. It's so much easier to talk to someone who understands and knows exactly what you are going through.

Before I was diagnosed, I was angry all the time. I always acted and thought irrationally. I probably had the first signs and onset at about 18. But leaving it untreated and not recognizing that there was a problem for 6 years it really started to build and tear my life apart. I felt like a prisoner in my own head. I always felt like I had to hold the real me back from the world. Even from the one person that was supposed to know me better than anyone, my ex-husband. It was agony everyday. It was a constant struggle to stay or pretend to be happy when I wasn't.

For most normal people, they don't truly understand this disorder. They say things like "learn to control your emotions". Well, for us that's so much easier said then done. The irrational part of our brain takes over and that becomes our reality and we act upon what we perceive as that reality. It's a nightmare.

I knew I didn't want to continue to live this way. I knew if I continued to live this way I'd hurt the one person that means the most to me and damage his future. My son. So I did everything I could to get the correct treatment.

After getting the proper medication and figuring out what dose worked for me. I started to see things in a whole new light. Don't get me wrong things and habits where not changed over night. Some were harder to break than others but the medication helped me think rationally and I was happy. Truly happy.

I am not saying that medication has solved all of my problems and mood swings by any means. For me I was prescribed Lithium. And it has worked very well. But everyone is different. The only thing that sucks about the medicine is that it takes a while to kick in because it's literally changing the chemicals in your brain. But it allows gives you sense of peace and full control over your life again.